New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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