Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
