btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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