So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
