is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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