my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
