I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
