I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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