my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
