So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
