So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
