Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
