i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
