my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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