Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
