He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
