Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
