You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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