LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
