I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
