I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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