moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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