Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
two words: eviction party
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
