gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
