There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
