I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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