the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
