Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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