Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
