who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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