my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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