I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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