Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
