Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
