How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
