just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
