I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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