We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
