My friends, they love my intelligence
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am available for nakedness
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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