so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
