the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
