I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
