You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
