He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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