grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
