I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
