I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
