dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
These tits shall not be calmed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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