wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
