you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
