My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
