he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
