make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
